the Realization of Jesus Christ

alright, this blog i wrote around 10pm, saturday night, july 21st. but my stupid internet's been messed up since then. so i just posted it today.

How long have I been writing in journals? How many journals do I have stashed away in my bookshelves? Dozens, I’m sure. Sighs… I watched the original Disney movie thingy called Read it and Weep. Jamie’s private journal was accidentally printed in the newspaper, and turned into a bestseller. She became popular, got the guy of her dreams, and lost all her friends. Typical story, I’ve concluded. lol It makes me wonder. If one of MY private journals turned into a best seller… I think I would die. And yet I have this love for writing, and what am I doing with it? How is it blessing people? lol Lizzie certainly enjoys feeling like she’s in New York traffic as she reads this silly blog.
In the Disney movie, her best guy friend, Conner, is secretly head over heals for her, plans to ask her to the dance, but is beat by the most popular guy in school, Jamie’s secret crush. This amazing guy loses his true love because she’s distracted by a guy whose IQ is the size of a raisin. I used to imagine the Conners to be “that guy” that’s waiting out there somewhere for me… when I’ve come to find out that He really has been. Oswald Chambers’ devotional today said, “A saint is not to take initiative toward self-realization, but towards knowing Christ… The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do.” It used to irritate me the way writers and speakers and singers would go on and on about knowing Christ. I felt as if I were past that level. “Yea, yea, yea, know Jesus. Got it. Now, let’s go on to the good stuff, like prophecies and parables, and knowing your inner self!” lol…I still like that stuff. But… during the past couple weeks… while taking it kind of slow, after a majorly busy summer… God’s just been reiterating in my heart that level of intimacy He loves the best… and that’s Jesus-recognition… God-realization. Man.. I don’t even know what that is anymore…
To really know His heart… to be so in tuned with His voice, that even the faintest breath from His lips catches your full attention… AH! How many of us are really that intense?! He’s been stirring this inside me… and now I feel as if I’m about to explode! How could I have lived this long without having this type of joy He’s creating in me?!
I’ve come to the krazi-est discovery! You know how Solomon was going all over to find “true contentment” and all he configured was “everything is vanity!” I mean, things that I really do enjoy, like nature and education, he discovered was all vanity?! What nonsense! But… as I studied it in my Bible lessons for school this spring… I realized that Solomon was trying to find happiness in these things… without God. He tried to enjoy sex and wealth and knowledge and companionship… things God CREATED for us to enjoy… but things Solomon tried to “make a god out of”… and I look around at what just takes my breath away, like the outstretched painted mountains in my front yard, the smell of tomato vine, the sound of the wind… and I just sit there and I say… “oh my God… my God, thank you for that.” lol…. falling in love with the Giver, rather than the gift. And here He is, bringing me back to the basics of it all… discovering and realizing Jesus. I want to scream! Because when I really let this passion boil inside me… when I set all the distractions aside… I almost see such a clear view of Him… and He’s not just a face… He’s a whole world! Here in one corner of His heart are aisles and aisles of stories of lives He’s just dying for me to read. And over here, I see this insane beauty in the butterfly He lets fly around near His shoulder. And did you see that glimpse of the eagle spirit?! Under the shadow of His wings… can you IMAGINE where He and I could fly if I would find my rest there? Such dreams and such beauty waiting to be discovered! The vision is clear…

That’s it. I’ve made up my mind. I’m talking like a madman! Don’t you see it though? It’s slowly becoming so crystal clear to me... these passions He’s placed in my heart… these words that are at the tip of my tongue… these dreams He’s dying to make true… AH! I feel as If I were a princess warrior about to declare her battle cry.
“TONIGHT… is OUR NIGHT! Tonight… in midst of thunder and rain… in midst of fear and disadvantage… WE FIGHT! Not for a cause. Not for a country. But for a love… such love that will fuel us in our weakest hour. We stand, knit together in love, fighting side by side… together we can conquer this world of hatred! We can make the difference! We can mend distortion! Build walls! Become one! Fight, fellow warriors! FOR LOVE! FOR GOD! AND FOR EACH OTHER!”

Lol not very militaristic… but very sincere.

the Wind and the Waves

Wow... two in a row? I'm gonna break a record... and my fingers lol. I know it is kind of late, but I couldn’t sleep AT ALL and so I drank an iced cappuccino and now I'm just waiting for the coffee crash. lol.

First off I'd like to congratulate two of my oldest Florida friends for their completing another year on this earth. Happy 17th, Brooklyn!! Happy 19th, Jennifer!! Miss you both!

I just briefed over my past five blogs… boy do I write a lot! lol. But I’ve also been reminded of why I write. There have been so many times in my life that I’ve had a conviction or resolution in my heart or word from God. I would write it down. and then …I’d forget it. But then, it seems at the perfect time, I find it again… and I’m reminded of what I learned. Tonight God reminded me of conviction… how in the world did I make it this far? Why am I where I am right now? What happened in between who I was in the past and who I am now? God’s been reminding me of callings He’s placed on my life, of vows I’ve made to Him. And I love Him for it!! Why in the world did I break up with Josh? Oh yea… now I know. How in the world did I last this long, and why is it different now than it was before the summer? Ah yes… sighs. Man… I had honestly given up, guys. I became perfectly content with the fact that I would probably never even gain his friendship back. And, when I had given it up to God, He gave it back. Now, Josh and I are slowly mending our friendship again, while still desiring a satisfaction in singleness. It’s been quite amazing, learning all this crap. lol.

My Senior Goals List has lengthened… ninety-one already!! I’m so excited lol.

Man… I’m dying to tell you more about camp… not only did I have the greatest 17th birthday, a mixture of teenage drama, and great tanning time, I also got totally touched by the Wind.
Master’s Commission is a hands-on program, where you completely devote yourself to the church for one to two years. You can leave after two years as a licensed minister, and you get to travel extensively. I’ve heard about it from Matt and Vicki, but I felt it was some big “tied down to the church” ordeal and had no real interest in it. At Fine Arts, Dad met Memphis MCs and said I should check it out. Of COURSE I wouldn’t do what Dad says to do lol, and when Josh told me that he wants so desperately to do MC, I completely turned down the entire idea. I couldn’t go, cuz then everyone would think I was chasing after him!! It’s funny, you can ask a lot of people, I was dead set against going. Then at camp… I spent an entire week with MCs… I met Justin and Kari Romero… they were amazing!! The Romeros are the best speakers, I love them, GREAT in drama, and their MC group did the best skits!! One kid, Shaun, started talking to me about MC the second day, and I was all “I don’t really know…” But the night before, one MC girl, I’m not sure which one, prayed for me… started saying “God, please show LiAnne where she will go!” Where I will go?! I knew EXACTLY what God started stirring in my heart… college. And a silent knowledge shook me…. I knew it was Masters Commission. ALL DAY Tuesday, that was all I heard from like everybody… “oh MC, LiAnne, MC, you should go to MC.” AH!!!! And Tuesday night, I don’t remember exactly how the walls crumbled… but BOY did Jericho fall down that night…. I heard it plain as day. God was calling me to Masters Commission!! I went to Kari’s dorm that night and said, “Kari… I don’t wanna go to MC…” lol. it was quite hilarious. Well course rumor got out, and everyone started talking about it by morning. And I had only told like two people! But it’s okay…I talked a lot AGAIN about MC and choosing the right reasons to go. And that night… worship lasted all night! It was the most amazing, wild, UNDIGNIFIED worship service I have ever been to! I swear we could have broken glass if there were windows (hmm…. No wonder they don’t have any! lol) And then… we ended the night with… a water baptism! IN THE OCEAN! It was beautiful, guys, I wish you could have been there. God totally came in… we just stood on the beach and sang worship songs late into the night. I started falling asleep it was so late lol. But I kept saying that it was the best last day of being sixteen. The next day… I TURNED SEVENTEEN!!!! Woo hoo!!!!! But skipping to the good parts… service was good too. But I have to admit… I didn’t push hard that night. I was… held back. By…myself. He was calling for complete, uncontrolled consecration… and I held onto and covered my hands over certain stains still left on my heart. It took me a long time to let Him scrub off the spots of my past and my fleshly desires, but BOY DID IT FEEL GOOD!! Please… lemme do some preachin at the moment… it’s so obvious and so cliché, but GOD CANNOT WORK IN YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE IT ALL! I tried for so long to have love for God and love for gods. Oh my gosh, in my prayer journal a couple weeks ago, I started the letter with… “I don’t love You enough, do I?... if I did it wouldn’t be so hard to obey You, right?” I found that I was so caught up in satisfying my own desires, that I kind of forgot His, and it showed how little I loved Him. Perhaps I’m still tangled in some desires… now that I think of this Goals List… My Oswald Chambers devotional used the verse yesterday about committing your plans to God, and He would make it come to pass. It took me a bit, but I sat there and said, “okay, God… I commit these goals to you… I trust that You’ll sift them through the Holy Spirit filter.” (Brooklyn line). I’m so scared! Because there are some krazy stuff I wanna do! What if He doesn’t like it? What if He has other ideas, ones that don’t line up with mine? Maybe that IS one of my biggest fears. Like, for one, there’s a possibility that we might be moving this year somewheres. If Dad gets a permanent job out of state, we’re packing. And I SOOOO do not want to move my senior.. that’ll SOO screw up a lot of these goals I’ve placed for myself. You know, now that I think about it, it took me a while to completely let go of my goals for Josh and me. Even after I had given up on FUTURE goals, certain present ones still distracted me. After I asked him out to the Sunset Dinner (yes I did that, and it was the stupidest thing on the planet) AND after he turned me down, MiLissa gave me a big lecture about how I need to stop pursuing him. And then Rochelle told me that I REALLY need to give him space, because he really needs to grow up (so true, unfortunately). When Rochelle said that, it kind of reminded me of why we aren’t together anymore/yet anyway… WE NEED TO GROW UP! And… my desires and my plans were to still enjoy a little bit of romance with him… but it was kind of messing up GOD’S plans to enjoy a little bit of romance with Him! Catch my drift?... but alas, I’m finally learning. I’ve quite enjoyed a little bit of lack-o-Josh lol. shocking, isn’t it.
One last story to tell. Thursday night, the night of my 17th birthday… I was given an example of the ocean. How the midnight sleeplessness can be accompanied by the sound of the comforting waves I’ve yet to see at dawn. When Matt said that the sound of the waves can be distracting you from the sound of the wind (a symbol of God), MiLissa’s comeback was… “well, what is that makes the waves crash against the shore anyway?” hmm… God created these desires, these feelings, these dreams...these waves. It took me a while to learn that I needed to wait until dawn to see these dreams come true. Now I’m learning how to balance my attention toward the wind and the waves. I’m learning how to have more of a passion for the Dreamer than the dream. Gosh. and I’m learning how to let the Wind kiss my cheek… the Wind that creates the waves, the Wind that sometimes remains silent, the Wind that has His OWN course of direction… and not mine…

Skinny Dipping anyone?

Yes... It's past due to write again. and hey, I'm on a role, I didnt have to be told to write in my blog again! But this time, I'm typing with long, beautiful acrylic french manicured nails, only $25 at Unique Nails lol. It's quite frustrating, but quite beautiful as well.

Life has treated me well. no. life has treated me like crap. lol. But God has treated me well. man... just the sound of that Name...

let's catch up... lemme see... Summer Camp... uh-MAZING!! It scares me how much I speak life and death into my destiny. who KNOWS what would have happened if I hadn't said that I'd probably be the center of the teenage romance drama at this year's camp. might have not happened! lol. But aside from that, and in spite of that... I was also very much a part of God's complete freak-me-out individual make-over story. man... I can hear the amazing sound of the flamingo chimes Mara got me for my birthday. I turned 17 at camp... awesome. I got money, jewelry, and two songs written inspired by me lol. oh, and also a surprise birthday party, which was way kool. It was amazing to be able to be on the beach the day I turned 17. It was also one of very many nights God clutched my heart. and my heart still hurts...

You do not know how difficult it is being seventeen... I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It's the most frustrating, adventurous, amazing, scary thing anyone could ever experience. I mean, discovering things inside of you that like 50 million people warn you about when you're at the brink of adulthood, feelings of independence and even a little rebellion sometimes. My away message on IM is "can a homeschooler have senior-itis?" Every senior seems to want to CONQUER THE WORLD! And that is sooooooooo on the top of my list of goals to reach lol. speaking of which, I've started making my "One Hundred Senior Year Goals List"... I've made 54 since last night. stupid things like pee in a lake and eat a cat, strange things like getting a second earring hole and having dreadlocks for a month, obvious things like graduating from highschool (duh) and getting a class ring, and serious things like going on my first missions trip and witnessing to 100 people. man. one hundred must be the number this year. 100 letters to write. 100 dollars to take a back-to-school girl shopping next fall. 100 people to lead to Christ. It's been so weird making this list, guys... God's so rocking my world, starting with this list. last night, I got into an intense "discussion" about certain strange goals I want to accomplish that he considers... "outrageous"...says I'd be doing them for the wrong reasons. I got off the computer, fuming with anger, finding myself say "i'll do it. i'll do it just to prove to him that i did!" and then I was like "oh yea, then I'll DEFINITELY be doing it for wrong reasons..." wearing anklets, having haltar tops, getting a tattoo... going to college, getting married... eating MEAT for goodness sakes! I'm not saying I want to get a tattoo that'll scar me forever lol. I'm just saying... finding the right reasons to do certain things... not because my parents want me to, not because i wanna please someone, not just to prove to someone... not to do it to be rebellious... it's baffled me and my complicated mind. why did I get my nails professionally done?... I didnt do it because God said so... I did it because I wanted to... for me. is that wrong? boy, do I sound like a teenager.

Romans talks a lot about doing things with conviction. like eating meat. Jews did not eat certain meat, like pork, because of the Mosaic Law and the Old Testament Covenant. But Gentiles in the New Testament discovered that they were released from the "old code" (7:6). But Jewish Christians still were too "weak in their faith" (14:1) to do certain things God had given every Christian liberty to do. Romans 14:5- "one person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind." and verse 23 writes "But he who doubts is condemned if he eats [meat], because he does not eat from faith: for whatever is not from faith is sin." This portion of Scripture frustrated me for years, because it talked a lot about the gray areas of life. Things the Bible did not give word-for-word exact instruction about… things highly educated scholars discuss and argue over… things every single one of us has to end up deciding on our own on whether or not to do… like eating meat.

The Bible says to not murder. The Bible says to speak the truth in love. The Bible says to “praise Him with… instruments” Psalms 150:4 (surprising I know!). But the Bible doesn’t say whether or not one should skinny dip, now does it? That’s where Romans 14 comes in… it’s finding your own conviction concerning weird things like this. You could back it up with scripture by saying that God calls us to be modest, and you can definitely say that you are not to let your brother stumble by being NAKED (so I suggest dipping by yourself). But it also says that Adam and Eve were born naked, and that David danced with indignity and NAKED. You purpose in your heart, and convict it with your decisions. And then you back up your conviction… with Scripture. It’s so confusing… and it angers me even now because people use this portion to justify sins they’ve committed. And it hurts that they have such an isolated point of view concerning Scripture portion (lol so got that line from Kari Romero.) So when it comes to yourself… your convictions… your decisions about life… your formed morals… (boy am I preaching to myself right now)…. Prayer would do a lotta help…

That’s one thing I’ve had such a hard time about this summer. Making decisions with conviction. If I ever went skinny dipping, I don’t want to do it doubting whether or not God approves, cuz then I’d DEFINITELY be doing it in sin (reiterate Romans 14:23) I’ve always been a very skilled people pleaser… I wear black because Josh likes me in black, I put pig tails in my hair because Dad loves pigtails… I raise my hands in worship because the worship leader raises his hands. I’m not saying you can’t bless people by making your mom a cake, or wearing your boyfriend’s favorite shirt. But… I hate wearing black! lol. And whenever I did it, I had him in mind. I curled my hair at the Sunset Dinner because Josh likes curly hair. I wore flats because if I didn’t, Josh would be shorter than me lol. But then there was my outfit… my gorgeous, OUTRAGEOUS, unique outfit… I was so scared to wear the cowboy hat and the twirly knitted skirt and the maternity looking top, afraid that people wouldn’t like it. (and yea, people did comment on the cowboy hat lol). But Lindsey and Rochelle prodded me. “LiAnne… do you like this outfit?” I was like “I LOVE IT!” They yelled, “Then get it!” I loved that outfit… it was so hot and so weird. And I got it for me. When’s the last time I’ve done that?

I’m finding out who I am, what I believe, and why I believe it. Krystal, a pretty amazing college girl Brooklyn brought up last weekend, talked about this with me. She was like, “There just comes a time when you’re gonna have to find your own beliefs… your own morals. Figuring out why you believe what you believe is a part of growing up… even if you come to the same conclusion you had before you started lol.” I wanna believe what I believe not because my parents believe it. But because God put that conviction in my heart and I have Scripture and knowledge (well… at least wisdom) to back up my beliefs. Man… am I explaining this without sounding like a rebellious retard?

I think that… I AM partially going through a rebellious state… and part of all of today’s documentation is just trying to get it all out on the table and sorting it through… I’m so scared that I’ll blow up and do a 180 on my whole outlook and belief in life. Lol some people have warned me that “because I’m too shelthered” I will explode when I turn 18 and turn away from everything that was ever taught me. And that is a very big possibility… if the teachings impressed into my heart were written in pencil. I want them to be written in stone… really engraved deeply into my life with a Pen only God can employ. I want Him to press into my life His written out how-to-live-LiAnne’s-life plan… which is gonna be pretty scary.
Hmm… maybe that should be on my list of 100 things to accomplish before college.

lianne will write more in due time. This is only one of many waves that have rocked my boat this summer.

LiAnne

Dry, Barren Winter...

I shouldnt be writing now... my eyes hurt, I'm actually writing with them closed at the moment. But, oddly enough, I was kind of in the mood to write... man.. that's never a good sign. lol.

Two months, baby! of sickness, of health, of better, of worse... lol. two months ago today was when it ended with da punk.

ALSO it's been exactly two weeks since Dad got the phone call. Tuesday night, after work, his people call and are all "we dont need you anymore". so just like that, he's out of the job. now THAT was shocking. It's been a little hard, living off of koolaid lol. But Dad's smart, he'll get another job. it's just having to wait for it! The tension and the trials. God sure loves that "perseverence" character in His people, cuz we got none of that and we've been put to its test too much. James said somethin' about trials developing perseverence... yup... they either make you or break you. choose, lianne, the red or blue pill...

i'm read to snap... literally... Oswald Chambers said that our life in the hands of God is like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archor. "God is aiming at something I cannot see, but my Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once and a while I say, 'I cant take it anymore'. Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until his purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly." Boy oh boy... it has has my life written all over that story... I keep thinking life should be all dandy right now, and wonder why in the WORLD it's not. It's summer, life's all pink and perky. But in my spiritual walk... I'm treadin' a dry, barren winter... in shorts.

I had just read my last blog before startin this one... man... I was seriously preachin to myself then... and I still get sompin out of it now. Where was that passion I claimed to have? That desire to enjoy this so-called God-given singlehood? No... it is, it is! a God given season... He leads me down to the still waters... AND through the valley of death. But as Misty Edwards says... It's only a shadow.

It hurts so badly! I used to say that I love winter because you get to wear layers and layers of clothes lol. In this season, though, I know there's a wardrobe somewhere in this Guidebook... lol.... He PROMISED a Comforter, remember? Didn't He? HE IS MY STRENGTH... My Sweater in the winter... I know He is here.... you dont know how close I sense Him sometimes... "strip off the summer apparal... let go of the past... embrace and enjoy this season now... let Me clothe and cover you..." I can't though... I loved my last season... when Dad had a job and Josh was beside me... I miss the fall leaves lol literally and spiritually. It was so comforting and familar and scary and exciting. And now I'm freezing to death...

We were gardening outside the other day... it was so terribley hot, I mean like 95 degrees and we were tilling the stupid hilly ground! lol. I was like I cannot tolerate this any longer. As Rachel, my baby sister, washed the dog, she began to let a shower of hose water sprinkle the garden, and run down our sweaty necks. man it felt so, stinkin good. I was like... hmm... maybe summer wont be as unbearable as I thought it was ... as long as I keep the right apparal and stay close to the opposite temperatured accessories (aka icecream and hoses). AND THEN IT TOTALLY DAWNED ON ME! It was so suddenly shocking, if it was a snake it woulda bitten me lol.

Mom says this time is just something I have to go through to grow in God... I asked, "But why does it have to be so unbearable?" Maybe cuz I aint stickin to the right apparal and accessories? Where's the dusty heater I have stored in my attic....

lol you probably have no idea what i'm talking about. it's okay. Deep down, everyone knows that every life has seasons. The blooming spring, hot summer, reaping autumn, and deadly winter. Each circumstance is meant to comprise of a series of lessons and growing pains He brings into our lives to mature us and "grow us up in love" (ephesians 4:15). it's not what happens to us that matters... it's how we handle them that makes the difference...

WOW! OH MY STINKIN GOSH! i think the ONLY reason I have this insane blog is so I can write my thoughts down and then preach them to myself... I wanna cry... I so so so havent been handling this season well AT ALL. It's been so hard and I've been such a baby! I mean I keep saying "oh, now it's gonna be better, now that THIS such thing happened" and I keep going back to wearing those stupid summer and fall shorts. I do not know AT ALL how to handle these circumstances He's allowed in my life... I wanna cry... wait... I do cry lol every single time something goes wrong. i think just about every person close to me can witness to this lol even Josh. Oh man... the way I thought the bend in the road would be is NOTHING LIKE how it is... I thought after we broke up, we'd be peachy friends with no problems; thought Dad would always be stable and he'd be always stuck in a stupid office. But now I'm totally free of any romantic obligation AND I've spent more time with Daddy the past two weeks than I have the past three months! why in the WORLD --MY HOLY CRAP-- am I not taking advantage of this?! Alright, knowing that I will probably still have an issue with this in the morning, bear with me as I yell at myself.

LIANNE, you stinkin' retard, listen up! FORGET THE PAST! Forget Summer and Fall, and EMBRACE THIS KRAZY, DRY WILDERNESS WINTERY SEASON and LOVE IT! My GOSH... it's only a shadow, for pete's sake... as Brooklyn's always said... it'll pass anyway, so enjoy it while you got it. Dont you understand? My trying to hold on to yesterday holds me back from tomorrow... no... holds me back from TODAY! What happened to the importance of today... lol Josh... consider the lilies (luke 12:27-28) , huh punk? Someone buy me a lily to remind me of today...

I love blogs lol.
and I love sleep. I'm signin' off for the night. I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU INSANE STALKERS WHO WASTE TIME READING ABOUT LIANNE'S RETARDED LIFE. lol. And I love my Jesus so much more than anything right now.... oh GOSH writing has really helped...

LiAnne

Conviction and Distraction

I should be doing TBQ right now. The new year has a-callin and i'm gettin a headstart baby! But considering I havent written since FEBRUARY 25th, I thought I'd do a favor for a kindred spirit of mine. ;) One could cry thinking of all that has gone on the past few months. It's been so beautiful and horrible and exciting and scary all at the same time. Something’s really been on my mind and my heart for the past couple weeks that I really want to share with you. All these years I've been known as the spiritual, zealous teenager of God. the dancer in worship, the outspoken in conversation. it's great. My relationship with God has always been very much of a priority. But... I think, because of being put in such a pedestal, I lost sight of the fact that I'm still a stupid, typical teenager. my GOSH it's so annoying! I cry when I'm pmsing, I "fall in love" a thousand times, I pout when I dont get what I want, and all I wanna do is party. CAN SOMEONE KILL ME NOW! To have thought that I was better than everybody else... I'm not saying I shouldn't strive to improve myself, but that's an OBSESSION for me! I THRIVE on progress! It's not been a good day unless I've finished all my school, done the dishes, cleaned my room, and brushed my teeth. (and only recently have I learned to accomplish one day's worth of school... in one day lol). But my point is, I think I put too much pride in my spirituality... MY CHRISTIANITY BECAME ... a god. a distraction from the actual God... wow... it's been made clear recently that a lot of things are a distraction for me...I believe I have... that spirit... that fault.... of always being constantly distracted. I feel like I had A.D.D. or something lol. Everything distracts me from school. And do you know what I've noticed? When I would get a vision or revelation from God, when He would speak to me of something He called me to do, when I was pressing forward in my relationship with Him.. that same exact night... I would get a call from some guy... or an idea for the next "party of the year" would come into mind... suddenly, everything was more important and my mind was on everything else. It’s almost a given that when a Christian finally decides to get real with God, everything suddenly gets so busy and they seem to forget their conviction. My TDDM devotional said that this is Satan trying to get your attention away to ANYTHING but what He's called you to focus on at that time. boy oh boy, the art of distraction was invented just for me, I feel. And do you know what's horrible? It's as if Satan takes the things that mean the most to me... the things that are actually part of God's PLAN for my life... and he distorts it... he conforms it into a god for me to worship... and it seems like i give in every single time. please... let me allow me to give a horrid and painful example... Josh Rapp... I don’t even know where to begin. He’s been such an encouragement… such a supporter. He’s been such an amazing blessing in my life, and I’ve grown so much through this kid! God knew what He was doing when He decided to set him in my life. And, in midst of all this… I’ve fallen in love with him. It was so amazing… it was like a love story… how it slowly formed and you could sense it and you didn’t want it… but when you finally gave in and told him those three special words… the whole world seemed to stop and sigh at the two love birds. I will not say that this love was ungodly… He had actually coaxed me to let this love inside me grow, without trying to speed up the process. But after we continued to “fall in love”… everything seemed to change. Our relationship and our commitment to each other became so much deeper; and our lack of contentment, stronger. We started feeling as if certain things, that we were forbidden to do, were right. Movie theaters were especially tasty. We were very respectable, of course. Never ungodly touches, just very affectionate touches. We ended up, so to speak, “speeding up the process”. He became so much more important to me… he was all I talked about, lol according to Mom. And so… the topic of priorities came up the night she found us snuggling up in the back seat. The process took two and a half weeks, and we fought for our relationship during those 2-1/2 weeks. But after tearful prayer… we finally ended it. I broke it off the first night, and he broke it off the second night lol. It hurt so bad… I cried that entire weekend. But I started focusing on other things again… working up a garden for the spring… teen bible quiz districts… summer activities… family relationships… girl friendships for that matter! It was awesome… I really wanted to make a goal of learning how to enjoy my single hood again… it was fairly easy the first three weeks. But it became hard when he and I really started getting to the heart of the matter and talking it all out. It was good, really it was. We laid everything down on the table and really came to like a thousand conclusions! But I wanna tell you something I confessed to him a couple weeks ago. “Josh, I broke up with you because you were a distraction! I never got anything done, I never grew spiritually, because you were all that was important to me! And this past week, I made a commitment to God to remain loyal to Him in single hood until I graduate. But do you know what? Last night I fell asleep thinking about you, I woke up thinking about you. I spent all weekend thinking about all that’s happened between us. And… I realized how retarded I am! Because I thought I could get AWAY from all this by not being WITH you! And here I am, still having the same problem!” I told him how much I want a relationship, a good friendship, with him without having him as a distraction. I wanted to break this spirit of… constant lack of concentration. God is such a jealous God… a jealous lover. He will fight for you and for His relationship with you, even if it means taking things away from you. The day after we had broken up, I threw a fit, begging God… “why! Why couldn’t I have been just a normal girl with a normal family and a normal romantic relationship… why can’t I have Josh?” He softly whispered… “because you wanted it too much…” I wanted it too much… more than I wanted God? Yes… I will confess before heaven and earth that I loved my Josh… more than I loved my God. And… man, It’s been so hard answering the question, “why did you break up?” Well… there’s my answer. Exactly one month ago tonight was the same night I actually broke it off with him. And tomorrow will have marked our “7 month anniversary” of being together. I still want to be with Josh more than I ever have anyone in my entire life! I pray all the time that someday He’ll open the doors for us. But I’ve got much to learn… so much to grow and mature in. How many years has it taken God to get my attention concerning the issue of dependence? I’m still learning how much He desires me to be dependant on Him and not on my happiness with another guy. I’ve never once spent a season just truly enjoying being single! I wanna get to the point where I am happy with where I am and when I’m there, despite why I’m there and who I’m with (or not with). Gosh, I’m gonna cry… I feel like I’ve discovering every possible reason why it didn’t work out last time. And I keep wanting to find a solution for how it’ll work out the next time. But I’m basing my happiness on that “someday” ! That’s not true contentment!! Am I so insecure in myself and in my God that I can’t find happiness without being with my guy?! Let’s just say I’ve definitely crossed the line of romantic obsession. It’s sick. And, even as I write this, I’m still learning! I’m still stumbling over and over and over again. I’ve yet to learn how to be just a friend to him. I’ve still yet to learn how to completely let him go without completely giving up. I’ve still yet to learn how to go ONE WEEK without crying over some silly little thing concerning this beautiful, wonderful, horrid guy. lol, like, for instance, this past weekend at Fine Arts we both discovered how easily we can make the other person jealous by flirting with absolutely everyone but each other. It was so funny, but it hurt a whole lot more than it should. I wanna make something clear before I sign off here. State my two declarations. The first is that… despite the fact that I’m not with Josh AT ALL and that I have no romantic connections or public commitments to him… I am still committed to him in my heart. I have… no desire or intention to go off and find another guy… I have no reason to go off and “flirt with other guys”… because I really think I’ve found the only guy with whom “I want to flirt”. I’m content in who I’ve found. But, oddly enough, though it seems to contradict the first, my second declaration goes right along with it. I’ve… yet to be content with where I am, despite the fact that I’m not with the one I’ve found. My decision to enjoy singleness does not altar my commitment to him; it compliments it. Because… by letting him go and living my life… I’m saying that he is NOT the most important object in my life, he is free to live his own life and God’s own calling on it. It gives us room to grow into the beautiful people He’s called us to be, and prayerfully the woman he needs and the man I need. Enjoying my single hood and choosing NOT to be flirty and boy crazy anymore tests my true commitment to him. I am sick and tired of being, what Matt calls, “co-dependent” on him, to where it’s getting in the way with what’s most important in my life. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t fake my passion for my God anymore. I’m not saying that I’m not really committed to God, but it’s something that I have to struggle to do on a day-to-day basis. I’m tired of being a phony Christian, of saying I love God, but loving better what makes me feel good. I’m tired of saying that I’ve committed my life to Him and I wanna do what He wants me to do, when I’m really doing nothing of consequence that leaves footprints behind, proving God was there. I really have to judge myself—is God really living inside me and working in me, or am I just living the religious, godly life that everyone expects out of a church-goin’ girl? I want more than that! Oh sure, I’m passionate about God, but what is passion without accomplishment? What is moral conduct without living evidence? James talks about faith without deeds. Am I living that kind of life? Abraham certainly did! “His faith and actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did” (James 2:22) I almost feel God ripping me apart and ruining my life just to get my attention. That sounds almost cruel, but it’s one of those good ripping apart lol. Was it Isaiah that said that He’ll break the heart of stone and replace it with a heart that yearns after Him? It’s something I desire more than anything… to have true passion after God that’s backed up by a fruitful life. I want to be able to be following God’s complete call on my life… and, if Josh is really mine, His call on Josh’s life will line up right along with it. I’m tired of trying to make things happen when it’s not time to be happened. I want a change. And doesn’t He give us the desires of our hearts? lol. Man, I’m really tired right now. I need to hit the zack. I’ve left you with knowledge of my present struggle, my two recent declarations of conviction, and my agonizing, passionate burn for more than just the talk. I really do think that this is what every Christian gets when they hit a part of their walk with God that just screams for more than normality. It’s so sad, because very few of us actually reach that part of the walk…

Woo Hoo! Go Stumbling Blocks!

DARN people who make me update my stupid blog! lol. Well let me start this second blog off by saying this is like actually my fifty billionth blog, continual of my overly filled other site. that site is http://www.freewebs.com/safetypinned15imperfection/publicjournal.htm is you wanna check it out so you know what in the world i'm talking about lol. but anyway...

Wow the second month of 2006 is almost over... I cant believe how much has happened and how amazing this year has been! But I do have to admit it's been a little difficult as well. I remember back this time last year... read my freewebs journal... I wrote on February 20th, 2005 about "how stupid i am for forgetting that i was supposed to babysit today". i was CONSTANTLY in despair because of my "lack of efficiency". lol that sounds like a relientk lyric. But I seriously was having such a hard time completing my SCHOOL each day and just getting really hit hard about "being complete" in my DOING. I could never ever ever, ever DO anything RIGHT. I had HORRIBLE timing, I could never finish what I started, I felt useless and incapable. I was so insecure in who I was, I had no friends, I just... felt so incomplete. Now, I realize that it was Satan getting a hold of my desire to be efficient, distorting it. I was obsessed with being perfect! "Safety pinned imperfection". It's weird... God has so changed me in the past year. I'm still clumsy and have a hard time completing things lol. But my attitude and my security in Jesus have improved, lemme tell yah.

About a month ago, I was blessed with going through a series of horrible circumstances and consequences. I guess you could say Josh and I experienced one of the many stumbling stones you go through in a romantic relationship. Long story short, it was awesome when I was in his arms watching Phantom of the Opera, but horrible when I realized how bad of a timing we had. I remember feeling so safe and secure in his arms, a very different feeling than the one I had January of the last year! But after going to my mom the next day, just opening up to her and asking for her direction, I was very much corrected about my lack of good timing. No, we did not make out and yes we even had our own blankets lol (something I thought was kind of cute). But I had to remember that I’m not Josh’s yet. I’m not even dating him yet! And here I was, lying down on the couch (of all places) with someone who promised to wait for me...
I remember having to go to my dad and just seek his forgiveness. I repented at the altar. I cried in my mother’s arms. It was very much of a learning process. It hurt so bad… the worst part of the entire experience was my inability to forget it. Oh gosh, if I think about it enough even now, I start becoming drowned in sorrow. After we had sought forgiveness from my parents and from the big Man, I asked him where we stood in our relationship now. He said that we knew what we did was wrong, we wouldn’t do it again, and we should move on. I told him I couldn’t do that! “I cant just move on, Josh… it’s almost like…forgetting what we did.” I couldn’t forget… the memory played over and over in my mind.. it haunted me in my sleep! It tortured me during the day. I kept hearing “You stumbled… again! You ruined everything and now it’s unfixable.” I kept bringing up the issue… I knew it kept bringing up the pain, but it was almost I was punishing myself BY not letting myself forget! He asked me if I was going to get up after stumbling in the road of life and if I was going to move on, or if I was going to sit there and pout? I said.. what if I decided to just sit there… would that be bad? Gosh! I didn’t want to decide, I didn’t want to deal with it, I wanted to run away from it all. We argued a little bit that night… afterward, Mom came in and read a little bit of our IM conversation. She told me that… I wasn’t forgiving myself. I told her that if I forgot what happened, if I forgave myself… it’d be like saying… what I did was right. I couldn’t let it go! And she brought up a painful memory of my past… “LiAnne… do you feel like, ‘oh I made a mistake with Tyler… and now I’m making the same mistake with Josh’?” I stared at my hands for a moment before responding, “… I never knew how to fix it with Tyler either…” Oh! The pain and release of repentance! THAT was the heart of the issue… I messed up with Tyler, I couldn’t fix it, I ruined everything and I had to give him up. I told him, “logically… what I did with you… is EXACTLY what I did with Tyler!” And now I stood here… the same bleeding hands of guilt with no Band-Aid big enough to heal them. “LiAnne…” Mom coaxed, “You have to learn… to forgive yourself. Because if you carry this guilt the rest of your life, you will never be free. And you can never move on in your relationship with God… or with Josh.” I couldn’t forgive myself! I couldn’t move on! I was stumbled over the stumbling block, scraped my knees… and bawled on the kitchen floor… just like how I’d done February 20th, 2005… when I forgot about babysitting that Sunday afternoon… and I refused to get up. Josh helped me understand that. “LiAnne… in your relationship with Tyler, you had to drag him. He never felt like what you did was wrong, so you were never corrected when you made a mistake. When you fell, you never knew got back up because he never felt you guys were in the wrong. But, hun, I know what we did was wrong and I do NOT want to do it again… I want to help you back up and continue on in our relationship… and LEARN from our mistakes!” And that night I did get back up… I had to ask for his forgiveness, after he so lovingly asked for mine… and then.. I had to forgive myself… to let the past stay in the past and give myself another chance.

I had to learn how to walk… for the infinitieth time lol. When I messed up with Tyler, I had to learn how to let him go and move on. When I forgot about babysitting someone’s kid, I had to get up off the kitchen floor and move on. And when I gave into temptation with Josh, I had to let my guilt and my sin and the memory and the pain GO… let it go let it go let it go… and MOVE ON! GOSH! Will I never learn? And of course that’s what I’ve been trying to learn all along… that I never will learn, and that I’m gonna stumble a billion times over… again and again and again. Can you imagine us being perfect? We would never need anybody. We would never WANT anybody. No WONDER He lets us stumble! Because it gives us an opportunity to get back up and have Him take care of us… someone once said that trials were opportunities to draw nearer to God…. Oh, God… how could You teach me any better than through my stumbling experiences? Please forgive me for trying to be perfect…

Alright the clock has ticked ten and I’m being summoned to retire for the night… one last thought though… He planted those stumbling stones ;) so we learn how to be...

Firstiest of Blogs

Alrightio, I'm gonna copy off of Popeye and give my reasons for this site. First, I've had my freewebs.com site for over a year now and it's FULL. So I will just continue on here from where I left off there. I also write because I want to keep my friends up to date. I can't call my homie G slices in Florida every day, so hey... they can read instead lol. And also... I'm kind of KNOWN for my brutally honest personality. lol. I've just always been very open about how I feel, when I was ABLE to express them in words. And... I've been told that I need to keep that open spirit. ;-) And finally, my last reason for this blog site thingy wobie... is that I LOVE TO WRITE!!! One of my BIGGEST dreams is to be able to take my typing ability and my love for writing and my growing experiences... and write books someday. What better way to practice?!

LOVEZ!