Conviction and Distraction

I should be doing TBQ right now. The new year has a-callin and i'm gettin a headstart baby! But considering I havent written since FEBRUARY 25th, I thought I'd do a favor for a kindred spirit of mine. ;) One could cry thinking of all that has gone on the past few months. It's been so beautiful and horrible and exciting and scary all at the same time. Something’s really been on my mind and my heart for the past couple weeks that I really want to share with you. All these years I've been known as the spiritual, zealous teenager of God. the dancer in worship, the outspoken in conversation. it's great. My relationship with God has always been very much of a priority. But... I think, because of being put in such a pedestal, I lost sight of the fact that I'm still a stupid, typical teenager. my GOSH it's so annoying! I cry when I'm pmsing, I "fall in love" a thousand times, I pout when I dont get what I want, and all I wanna do is party. CAN SOMEONE KILL ME NOW! To have thought that I was better than everybody else... I'm not saying I shouldn't strive to improve myself, but that's an OBSESSION for me! I THRIVE on progress! It's not been a good day unless I've finished all my school, done the dishes, cleaned my room, and brushed my teeth. (and only recently have I learned to accomplish one day's worth of school... in one day lol). But my point is, I think I put too much pride in my spirituality... MY CHRISTIANITY BECAME ... a god. a distraction from the actual God... wow... it's been made clear recently that a lot of things are a distraction for me...I believe I have... that spirit... that fault.... of always being constantly distracted. I feel like I had A.D.D. or something lol. Everything distracts me from school. And do you know what I've noticed? When I would get a vision or revelation from God, when He would speak to me of something He called me to do, when I was pressing forward in my relationship with Him.. that same exact night... I would get a call from some guy... or an idea for the next "party of the year" would come into mind... suddenly, everything was more important and my mind was on everything else. It’s almost a given that when a Christian finally decides to get real with God, everything suddenly gets so busy and they seem to forget their conviction. My TDDM devotional said that this is Satan trying to get your attention away to ANYTHING but what He's called you to focus on at that time. boy oh boy, the art of distraction was invented just for me, I feel. And do you know what's horrible? It's as if Satan takes the things that mean the most to me... the things that are actually part of God's PLAN for my life... and he distorts it... he conforms it into a god for me to worship... and it seems like i give in every single time. please... let me allow me to give a horrid and painful example... Josh Rapp... I don’t even know where to begin. He’s been such an encouragement… such a supporter. He’s been such an amazing blessing in my life, and I’ve grown so much through this kid! God knew what He was doing when He decided to set him in my life. And, in midst of all this… I’ve fallen in love with him. It was so amazing… it was like a love story… how it slowly formed and you could sense it and you didn’t want it… but when you finally gave in and told him those three special words… the whole world seemed to stop and sigh at the two love birds. I will not say that this love was ungodly… He had actually coaxed me to let this love inside me grow, without trying to speed up the process. But after we continued to “fall in love”… everything seemed to change. Our relationship and our commitment to each other became so much deeper; and our lack of contentment, stronger. We started feeling as if certain things, that we were forbidden to do, were right. Movie theaters were especially tasty. We were very respectable, of course. Never ungodly touches, just very affectionate touches. We ended up, so to speak, “speeding up the process”. He became so much more important to me… he was all I talked about, lol according to Mom. And so… the topic of priorities came up the night she found us snuggling up in the back seat. The process took two and a half weeks, and we fought for our relationship during those 2-1/2 weeks. But after tearful prayer… we finally ended it. I broke it off the first night, and he broke it off the second night lol. It hurt so bad… I cried that entire weekend. But I started focusing on other things again… working up a garden for the spring… teen bible quiz districts… summer activities… family relationships… girl friendships for that matter! It was awesome… I really wanted to make a goal of learning how to enjoy my single hood again… it was fairly easy the first three weeks. But it became hard when he and I really started getting to the heart of the matter and talking it all out. It was good, really it was. We laid everything down on the table and really came to like a thousand conclusions! But I wanna tell you something I confessed to him a couple weeks ago. “Josh, I broke up with you because you were a distraction! I never got anything done, I never grew spiritually, because you were all that was important to me! And this past week, I made a commitment to God to remain loyal to Him in single hood until I graduate. But do you know what? Last night I fell asleep thinking about you, I woke up thinking about you. I spent all weekend thinking about all that’s happened between us. And… I realized how retarded I am! Because I thought I could get AWAY from all this by not being WITH you! And here I am, still having the same problem!” I told him how much I want a relationship, a good friendship, with him without having him as a distraction. I wanted to break this spirit of… constant lack of concentration. God is such a jealous God… a jealous lover. He will fight for you and for His relationship with you, even if it means taking things away from you. The day after we had broken up, I threw a fit, begging God… “why! Why couldn’t I have been just a normal girl with a normal family and a normal romantic relationship… why can’t I have Josh?” He softly whispered… “because you wanted it too much…” I wanted it too much… more than I wanted God? Yes… I will confess before heaven and earth that I loved my Josh… more than I loved my God. And… man, It’s been so hard answering the question, “why did you break up?” Well… there’s my answer. Exactly one month ago tonight was the same night I actually broke it off with him. And tomorrow will have marked our “7 month anniversary” of being together. I still want to be with Josh more than I ever have anyone in my entire life! I pray all the time that someday He’ll open the doors for us. But I’ve got much to learn… so much to grow and mature in. How many years has it taken God to get my attention concerning the issue of dependence? I’m still learning how much He desires me to be dependant on Him and not on my happiness with another guy. I’ve never once spent a season just truly enjoying being single! I wanna get to the point where I am happy with where I am and when I’m there, despite why I’m there and who I’m with (or not with). Gosh, I’m gonna cry… I feel like I’ve discovering every possible reason why it didn’t work out last time. And I keep wanting to find a solution for how it’ll work out the next time. But I’m basing my happiness on that “someday” ! That’s not true contentment!! Am I so insecure in myself and in my God that I can’t find happiness without being with my guy?! Let’s just say I’ve definitely crossed the line of romantic obsession. It’s sick. And, even as I write this, I’m still learning! I’m still stumbling over and over and over again. I’ve yet to learn how to be just a friend to him. I’ve still yet to learn how to completely let him go without completely giving up. I’ve still yet to learn how to go ONE WEEK without crying over some silly little thing concerning this beautiful, wonderful, horrid guy. lol, like, for instance, this past weekend at Fine Arts we both discovered how easily we can make the other person jealous by flirting with absolutely everyone but each other. It was so funny, but it hurt a whole lot more than it should. I wanna make something clear before I sign off here. State my two declarations. The first is that… despite the fact that I’m not with Josh AT ALL and that I have no romantic connections or public commitments to him… I am still committed to him in my heart. I have… no desire or intention to go off and find another guy… I have no reason to go off and “flirt with other guys”… because I really think I’ve found the only guy with whom “I want to flirt”. I’m content in who I’ve found. But, oddly enough, though it seems to contradict the first, my second declaration goes right along with it. I’ve… yet to be content with where I am, despite the fact that I’m not with the one I’ve found. My decision to enjoy singleness does not altar my commitment to him; it compliments it. Because… by letting him go and living my life… I’m saying that he is NOT the most important object in my life, he is free to live his own life and God’s own calling on it. It gives us room to grow into the beautiful people He’s called us to be, and prayerfully the woman he needs and the man I need. Enjoying my single hood and choosing NOT to be flirty and boy crazy anymore tests my true commitment to him. I am sick and tired of being, what Matt calls, “co-dependent” on him, to where it’s getting in the way with what’s most important in my life. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t fake my passion for my God anymore. I’m not saying that I’m not really committed to God, but it’s something that I have to struggle to do on a day-to-day basis. I’m tired of being a phony Christian, of saying I love God, but loving better what makes me feel good. I’m tired of saying that I’ve committed my life to Him and I wanna do what He wants me to do, when I’m really doing nothing of consequence that leaves footprints behind, proving God was there. I really have to judge myself—is God really living inside me and working in me, or am I just living the religious, godly life that everyone expects out of a church-goin’ girl? I want more than that! Oh sure, I’m passionate about God, but what is passion without accomplishment? What is moral conduct without living evidence? James talks about faith without deeds. Am I living that kind of life? Abraham certainly did! “His faith and actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did” (James 2:22) I almost feel God ripping me apart and ruining my life just to get my attention. That sounds almost cruel, but it’s one of those good ripping apart lol. Was it Isaiah that said that He’ll break the heart of stone and replace it with a heart that yearns after Him? It’s something I desire more than anything… to have true passion after God that’s backed up by a fruitful life. I want to be able to be following God’s complete call on my life… and, if Josh is really mine, His call on Josh’s life will line up right along with it. I’m tired of trying to make things happen when it’s not time to be happened. I want a change. And doesn’t He give us the desires of our hearts? lol. Man, I’m really tired right now. I need to hit the zack. I’ve left you with knowledge of my present struggle, my two recent declarations of conviction, and my agonizing, passionate burn for more than just the talk. I really do think that this is what every Christian gets when they hit a part of their walk with God that just screams for more than normality. It’s so sad, because very few of us actually reach that part of the walk…