Woo Hoo! Go Stumbling Blocks!
DARN people who make me update my stupid blog! lol. Well let me start this second blog off by saying this is like actually my fifty billionth blog, continual of my overly filled other site. that site is http://www.freewebs.com/safetypinned15imperfection/publicjournal.htm is you wanna check it out so you know what in the world i'm talking about lol. but anyway...
Wow the second month of 2006 is almost over... I cant believe how much has happened and how amazing this year has been! But I do have to admit it's been a little difficult as well. I remember back this time last year... read my freewebs journal... I wrote on February 20th, 2005 about "how stupid i am for forgetting that i was supposed to babysit today". i was CONSTANTLY in despair because of my "lack of efficiency". lol that sounds like a relientk lyric. But I seriously was having such a hard time completing my SCHOOL each day and just getting really hit hard about "being complete" in my DOING. I could never ever ever, ever DO anything RIGHT. I had HORRIBLE timing, I could never finish what I started, I felt useless and incapable. I was so insecure in who I was, I had no friends, I just... felt so incomplete. Now, I realize that it was Satan getting a hold of my desire to be efficient, distorting it. I was obsessed with being perfect! "Safety pinned imperfection". It's weird... God has so changed me in the past year. I'm still clumsy and have a hard time completing things lol. But my attitude and my security in Jesus have improved, lemme tell yah.
About a month ago, I was blessed with going through a series of horrible circumstances and consequences. I guess you could say Josh and I experienced one of the many stumbling stones you go through in a romantic relationship. Long story short, it was awesome when I was in his arms watching Phantom of the Opera, but horrible when I realized how bad of a timing we had. I remember feeling so safe and secure in his arms, a very different feeling than the one I had January of the last year! But after going to my mom the next day, just opening up to her and asking for her direction, I was very much corrected about my lack of good timing. No, we did not make out and yes we even had our own blankets lol (something I thought was kind of cute). But I had to remember that I’m not Josh’s yet. I’m not even dating him yet! And here I was, lying down on the couch (of all places) with someone who promised to wait for me...
I remember having to go to my dad and just seek his forgiveness. I repented at the altar. I cried in my mother’s arms. It was very much of a learning process. It hurt so bad… the worst part of the entire experience was my inability to forget it. Oh gosh, if I think about it enough even now, I start becoming drowned in sorrow. After we had sought forgiveness from my parents and from the big Man, I asked him where we stood in our relationship now. He said that we knew what we did was wrong, we wouldn’t do it again, and we should move on. I told him I couldn’t do that! “I cant just move on, Josh… it’s almost like…forgetting what we did.” I couldn’t forget… the memory played over and over in my mind.. it haunted me in my sleep! It tortured me during the day. I kept hearing “You stumbled… again! You ruined everything and now it’s unfixable.” I kept bringing up the issue… I knew it kept bringing up the pain, but it was almost I was punishing myself BY not letting myself forget! He asked me if I was going to get up after stumbling in the road of life and if I was going to move on, or if I was going to sit there and pout? I said.. what if I decided to just sit there… would that be bad? Gosh! I didn’t want to decide, I didn’t want to deal with it, I wanted to run away from it all. We argued a little bit that night… afterward, Mom came in and read a little bit of our IM conversation. She told me that… I wasn’t forgiving myself. I told her that if I forgot what happened, if I forgave myself… it’d be like saying… what I did was right. I couldn’t let it go! And she brought up a painful memory of my past… “LiAnne… do you feel like, ‘oh I made a mistake with Tyler… and now I’m making the same mistake with Josh’?” I stared at my hands for a moment before responding, “… I never knew how to fix it with Tyler either…” Oh! The pain and release of repentance! THAT was the heart of the issue… I messed up with Tyler, I couldn’t fix it, I ruined everything and I had to give him up. I told him, “logically… what I did with you… is EXACTLY what I did with Tyler!” And now I stood here… the same bleeding hands of guilt with no Band-Aid big enough to heal them. “LiAnne…” Mom coaxed, “You have to learn… to forgive yourself. Because if you carry this guilt the rest of your life, you will never be free. And you can never move on in your relationship with God… or with Josh.” I couldn’t forgive myself! I couldn’t move on! I was stumbled over the stumbling block, scraped my knees… and bawled on the kitchen floor… just like how I’d done February 20th, 2005… when I forgot about babysitting that Sunday afternoon… and I refused to get up. Josh helped me understand that. “LiAnne… in your relationship with Tyler, you had to drag him. He never felt like what you did was wrong, so you were never corrected when you made a mistake. When you fell, you never knew got back up because he never felt you guys were in the wrong. But, hun, I know what we did was wrong and I do NOT want to do it again… I want to help you back up and continue on in our relationship… and LEARN from our mistakes!” And that night I did get back up… I had to ask for his forgiveness, after he so lovingly asked for mine… and then.. I had to forgive myself… to let the past stay in the past and give myself another chance.
I had to learn how to walk… for the infinitieth time lol. When I messed up with Tyler, I had to learn how to let him go and move on. When I forgot about babysitting someone’s kid, I had to get up off the kitchen floor and move on. And when I gave into temptation with Josh, I had to let my guilt and my sin and the memory and the pain GO… let it go let it go let it go… and MOVE ON! GOSH! Will I never learn? And of course that’s what I’ve been trying to learn all along… that I never will learn, and that I’m gonna stumble a billion times over… again and again and again. Can you imagine us being perfect? We would never need anybody. We would never WANT anybody. No WONDER He lets us stumble! Because it gives us an opportunity to get back up and have Him take care of us… someone once said that trials were opportunities to draw nearer to God…. Oh, God… how could You teach me any better than through my stumbling experiences? Please forgive me for trying to be perfect…
Alright the clock has ticked ten and I’m being summoned to retire for the night… one last thought though… He planted those stumbling stones ;) so we learn how to be...
Wow the second month of 2006 is almost over... I cant believe how much has happened and how amazing this year has been! But I do have to admit it's been a little difficult as well. I remember back this time last year... read my freewebs journal... I wrote on February 20th, 2005 about "how stupid i am for forgetting that i was supposed to babysit today". i was CONSTANTLY in despair because of my "lack of efficiency". lol that sounds like a relientk lyric. But I seriously was having such a hard time completing my SCHOOL each day and just getting really hit hard about "being complete" in my DOING. I could never ever ever, ever DO anything RIGHT. I had HORRIBLE timing, I could never finish what I started, I felt useless and incapable. I was so insecure in who I was, I had no friends, I just... felt so incomplete. Now, I realize that it was Satan getting a hold of my desire to be efficient, distorting it. I was obsessed with being perfect! "Safety pinned imperfection". It's weird... God has so changed me in the past year. I'm still clumsy and have a hard time completing things lol. But my attitude and my security in Jesus have improved, lemme tell yah.
About a month ago, I was blessed with going through a series of horrible circumstances and consequences. I guess you could say Josh and I experienced one of the many stumbling stones you go through in a romantic relationship. Long story short, it was awesome when I was in his arms watching Phantom of the Opera, but horrible when I realized how bad of a timing we had. I remember feeling so safe and secure in his arms, a very different feeling than the one I had January of the last year! But after going to my mom the next day, just opening up to her and asking for her direction, I was very much corrected about my lack of good timing. No, we did not make out and yes we even had our own blankets lol (something I thought was kind of cute). But I had to remember that I’m not Josh’s yet. I’m not even dating him yet! And here I was, lying down on the couch (of all places) with someone who promised to wait for me...
I remember having to go to my dad and just seek his forgiveness. I repented at the altar. I cried in my mother’s arms. It was very much of a learning process. It hurt so bad… the worst part of the entire experience was my inability to forget it. Oh gosh, if I think about it enough even now, I start becoming drowned in sorrow. After we had sought forgiveness from my parents and from the big Man, I asked him where we stood in our relationship now. He said that we knew what we did was wrong, we wouldn’t do it again, and we should move on. I told him I couldn’t do that! “I cant just move on, Josh… it’s almost like…forgetting what we did.” I couldn’t forget… the memory played over and over in my mind.. it haunted me in my sleep! It tortured me during the day. I kept hearing “You stumbled… again! You ruined everything and now it’s unfixable.” I kept bringing up the issue… I knew it kept bringing up the pain, but it was almost I was punishing myself BY not letting myself forget! He asked me if I was going to get up after stumbling in the road of life and if I was going to move on, or if I was going to sit there and pout? I said.. what if I decided to just sit there… would that be bad? Gosh! I didn’t want to decide, I didn’t want to deal with it, I wanted to run away from it all. We argued a little bit that night… afterward, Mom came in and read a little bit of our IM conversation. She told me that… I wasn’t forgiving myself. I told her that if I forgot what happened, if I forgave myself… it’d be like saying… what I did was right. I couldn’t let it go! And she brought up a painful memory of my past… “LiAnne… do you feel like, ‘oh I made a mistake with Tyler… and now I’m making the same mistake with Josh’?” I stared at my hands for a moment before responding, “… I never knew how to fix it with Tyler either…” Oh! The pain and release of repentance! THAT was the heart of the issue… I messed up with Tyler, I couldn’t fix it, I ruined everything and I had to give him up. I told him, “logically… what I did with you… is EXACTLY what I did with Tyler!” And now I stood here… the same bleeding hands of guilt with no Band-Aid big enough to heal them. “LiAnne…” Mom coaxed, “You have to learn… to forgive yourself. Because if you carry this guilt the rest of your life, you will never be free. And you can never move on in your relationship with God… or with Josh.” I couldn’t forgive myself! I couldn’t move on! I was stumbled over the stumbling block, scraped my knees… and bawled on the kitchen floor… just like how I’d done February 20th, 2005… when I forgot about babysitting that Sunday afternoon… and I refused to get up. Josh helped me understand that. “LiAnne… in your relationship with Tyler, you had to drag him. He never felt like what you did was wrong, so you were never corrected when you made a mistake. When you fell, you never knew got back up because he never felt you guys were in the wrong. But, hun, I know what we did was wrong and I do NOT want to do it again… I want to help you back up and continue on in our relationship… and LEARN from our mistakes!” And that night I did get back up… I had to ask for his forgiveness, after he so lovingly asked for mine… and then.. I had to forgive myself… to let the past stay in the past and give myself another chance.
I had to learn how to walk… for the infinitieth time lol. When I messed up with Tyler, I had to learn how to let him go and move on. When I forgot about babysitting someone’s kid, I had to get up off the kitchen floor and move on. And when I gave into temptation with Josh, I had to let my guilt and my sin and the memory and the pain GO… let it go let it go let it go… and MOVE ON! GOSH! Will I never learn? And of course that’s what I’ve been trying to learn all along… that I never will learn, and that I’m gonna stumble a billion times over… again and again and again. Can you imagine us being perfect? We would never need anybody. We would never WANT anybody. No WONDER He lets us stumble! Because it gives us an opportunity to get back up and have Him take care of us… someone once said that trials were opportunities to draw nearer to God…. Oh, God… how could You teach me any better than through my stumbling experiences? Please forgive me for trying to be perfect…
Alright the clock has ticked ten and I’m being summoned to retire for the night… one last thought though… He planted those stumbling stones ;) so we learn how to be...
posted by LiAnne at 6:06 PM
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