the Realization of Jesus Christ

alright, this blog i wrote around 10pm, saturday night, july 21st. but my stupid internet's been messed up since then. so i just posted it today.

How long have I been writing in journals? How many journals do I have stashed away in my bookshelves? Dozens, I’m sure. Sighs… I watched the original Disney movie thingy called Read it and Weep. Jamie’s private journal was accidentally printed in the newspaper, and turned into a bestseller. She became popular, got the guy of her dreams, and lost all her friends. Typical story, I’ve concluded. lol It makes me wonder. If one of MY private journals turned into a best seller… I think I would die. And yet I have this love for writing, and what am I doing with it? How is it blessing people? lol Lizzie certainly enjoys feeling like she’s in New York traffic as she reads this silly blog.
In the Disney movie, her best guy friend, Conner, is secretly head over heals for her, plans to ask her to the dance, but is beat by the most popular guy in school, Jamie’s secret crush. This amazing guy loses his true love because she’s distracted by a guy whose IQ is the size of a raisin. I used to imagine the Conners to be “that guy” that’s waiting out there somewhere for me… when I’ve come to find out that He really has been. Oswald Chambers’ devotional today said, “A saint is not to take initiative toward self-realization, but towards knowing Christ… The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do.” It used to irritate me the way writers and speakers and singers would go on and on about knowing Christ. I felt as if I were past that level. “Yea, yea, yea, know Jesus. Got it. Now, let’s go on to the good stuff, like prophecies and parables, and knowing your inner self!” lol…I still like that stuff. But… during the past couple weeks… while taking it kind of slow, after a majorly busy summer… God’s just been reiterating in my heart that level of intimacy He loves the best… and that’s Jesus-recognition… God-realization. Man.. I don’t even know what that is anymore…
To really know His heart… to be so in tuned with His voice, that even the faintest breath from His lips catches your full attention… AH! How many of us are really that intense?! He’s been stirring this inside me… and now I feel as if I’m about to explode! How could I have lived this long without having this type of joy He’s creating in me?!
I’ve come to the krazi-est discovery! You know how Solomon was going all over to find “true contentment” and all he configured was “everything is vanity!” I mean, things that I really do enjoy, like nature and education, he discovered was all vanity?! What nonsense! But… as I studied it in my Bible lessons for school this spring… I realized that Solomon was trying to find happiness in these things… without God. He tried to enjoy sex and wealth and knowledge and companionship… things God CREATED for us to enjoy… but things Solomon tried to “make a god out of”… and I look around at what just takes my breath away, like the outstretched painted mountains in my front yard, the smell of tomato vine, the sound of the wind… and I just sit there and I say… “oh my God… my God, thank you for that.” lol…. falling in love with the Giver, rather than the gift. And here He is, bringing me back to the basics of it all… discovering and realizing Jesus. I want to scream! Because when I really let this passion boil inside me… when I set all the distractions aside… I almost see such a clear view of Him… and He’s not just a face… He’s a whole world! Here in one corner of His heart are aisles and aisles of stories of lives He’s just dying for me to read. And over here, I see this insane beauty in the butterfly He lets fly around near His shoulder. And did you see that glimpse of the eagle spirit?! Under the shadow of His wings… can you IMAGINE where He and I could fly if I would find my rest there? Such dreams and such beauty waiting to be discovered! The vision is clear…

That’s it. I’ve made up my mind. I’m talking like a madman! Don’t you see it though? It’s slowly becoming so crystal clear to me... these passions He’s placed in my heart… these words that are at the tip of my tongue… these dreams He’s dying to make true… AH! I feel as If I were a princess warrior about to declare her battle cry.
“TONIGHT… is OUR NIGHT! Tonight… in midst of thunder and rain… in midst of fear and disadvantage… WE FIGHT! Not for a cause. Not for a country. But for a love… such love that will fuel us in our weakest hour. We stand, knit together in love, fighting side by side… together we can conquer this world of hatred! We can make the difference! We can mend distortion! Build walls! Become one! Fight, fellow warriors! FOR LOVE! FOR GOD! AND FOR EACH OTHER!”

Lol not very militaristic… but very sincere.

the Wind and the Waves

Wow... two in a row? I'm gonna break a record... and my fingers lol. I know it is kind of late, but I couldn’t sleep AT ALL and so I drank an iced cappuccino and now I'm just waiting for the coffee crash. lol.

First off I'd like to congratulate two of my oldest Florida friends for their completing another year on this earth. Happy 17th, Brooklyn!! Happy 19th, Jennifer!! Miss you both!

I just briefed over my past five blogs… boy do I write a lot! lol. But I’ve also been reminded of why I write. There have been so many times in my life that I’ve had a conviction or resolution in my heart or word from God. I would write it down. and then …I’d forget it. But then, it seems at the perfect time, I find it again… and I’m reminded of what I learned. Tonight God reminded me of conviction… how in the world did I make it this far? Why am I where I am right now? What happened in between who I was in the past and who I am now? God’s been reminding me of callings He’s placed on my life, of vows I’ve made to Him. And I love Him for it!! Why in the world did I break up with Josh? Oh yea… now I know. How in the world did I last this long, and why is it different now than it was before the summer? Ah yes… sighs. Man… I had honestly given up, guys. I became perfectly content with the fact that I would probably never even gain his friendship back. And, when I had given it up to God, He gave it back. Now, Josh and I are slowly mending our friendship again, while still desiring a satisfaction in singleness. It’s been quite amazing, learning all this crap. lol.

My Senior Goals List has lengthened… ninety-one already!! I’m so excited lol.

Man… I’m dying to tell you more about camp… not only did I have the greatest 17th birthday, a mixture of teenage drama, and great tanning time, I also got totally touched by the Wind.
Master’s Commission is a hands-on program, where you completely devote yourself to the church for one to two years. You can leave after two years as a licensed minister, and you get to travel extensively. I’ve heard about it from Matt and Vicki, but I felt it was some big “tied down to the church” ordeal and had no real interest in it. At Fine Arts, Dad met Memphis MCs and said I should check it out. Of COURSE I wouldn’t do what Dad says to do lol, and when Josh told me that he wants so desperately to do MC, I completely turned down the entire idea. I couldn’t go, cuz then everyone would think I was chasing after him!! It’s funny, you can ask a lot of people, I was dead set against going. Then at camp… I spent an entire week with MCs… I met Justin and Kari Romero… they were amazing!! The Romeros are the best speakers, I love them, GREAT in drama, and their MC group did the best skits!! One kid, Shaun, started talking to me about MC the second day, and I was all “I don’t really know…” But the night before, one MC girl, I’m not sure which one, prayed for me… started saying “God, please show LiAnne where she will go!” Where I will go?! I knew EXACTLY what God started stirring in my heart… college. And a silent knowledge shook me…. I knew it was Masters Commission. ALL DAY Tuesday, that was all I heard from like everybody… “oh MC, LiAnne, MC, you should go to MC.” AH!!!! And Tuesday night, I don’t remember exactly how the walls crumbled… but BOY did Jericho fall down that night…. I heard it plain as day. God was calling me to Masters Commission!! I went to Kari’s dorm that night and said, “Kari… I don’t wanna go to MC…” lol. it was quite hilarious. Well course rumor got out, and everyone started talking about it by morning. And I had only told like two people! But it’s okay…I talked a lot AGAIN about MC and choosing the right reasons to go. And that night… worship lasted all night! It was the most amazing, wild, UNDIGNIFIED worship service I have ever been to! I swear we could have broken glass if there were windows (hmm…. No wonder they don’t have any! lol) And then… we ended the night with… a water baptism! IN THE OCEAN! It was beautiful, guys, I wish you could have been there. God totally came in… we just stood on the beach and sang worship songs late into the night. I started falling asleep it was so late lol. But I kept saying that it was the best last day of being sixteen. The next day… I TURNED SEVENTEEN!!!! Woo hoo!!!!! But skipping to the good parts… service was good too. But I have to admit… I didn’t push hard that night. I was… held back. By…myself. He was calling for complete, uncontrolled consecration… and I held onto and covered my hands over certain stains still left on my heart. It took me a long time to let Him scrub off the spots of my past and my fleshly desires, but BOY DID IT FEEL GOOD!! Please… lemme do some preachin at the moment… it’s so obvious and so cliché, but GOD CANNOT WORK IN YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE IT ALL! I tried for so long to have love for God and love for gods. Oh my gosh, in my prayer journal a couple weeks ago, I started the letter with… “I don’t love You enough, do I?... if I did it wouldn’t be so hard to obey You, right?” I found that I was so caught up in satisfying my own desires, that I kind of forgot His, and it showed how little I loved Him. Perhaps I’m still tangled in some desires… now that I think of this Goals List… My Oswald Chambers devotional used the verse yesterday about committing your plans to God, and He would make it come to pass. It took me a bit, but I sat there and said, “okay, God… I commit these goals to you… I trust that You’ll sift them through the Holy Spirit filter.” (Brooklyn line). I’m so scared! Because there are some krazy stuff I wanna do! What if He doesn’t like it? What if He has other ideas, ones that don’t line up with mine? Maybe that IS one of my biggest fears. Like, for one, there’s a possibility that we might be moving this year somewheres. If Dad gets a permanent job out of state, we’re packing. And I SOOOO do not want to move my senior.. that’ll SOO screw up a lot of these goals I’ve placed for myself. You know, now that I think about it, it took me a while to completely let go of my goals for Josh and me. Even after I had given up on FUTURE goals, certain present ones still distracted me. After I asked him out to the Sunset Dinner (yes I did that, and it was the stupidest thing on the planet) AND after he turned me down, MiLissa gave me a big lecture about how I need to stop pursuing him. And then Rochelle told me that I REALLY need to give him space, because he really needs to grow up (so true, unfortunately). When Rochelle said that, it kind of reminded me of why we aren’t together anymore/yet anyway… WE NEED TO GROW UP! And… my desires and my plans were to still enjoy a little bit of romance with him… but it was kind of messing up GOD’S plans to enjoy a little bit of romance with Him! Catch my drift?... but alas, I’m finally learning. I’ve quite enjoyed a little bit of lack-o-Josh lol. shocking, isn’t it.
One last story to tell. Thursday night, the night of my 17th birthday… I was given an example of the ocean. How the midnight sleeplessness can be accompanied by the sound of the comforting waves I’ve yet to see at dawn. When Matt said that the sound of the waves can be distracting you from the sound of the wind (a symbol of God), MiLissa’s comeback was… “well, what is that makes the waves crash against the shore anyway?” hmm… God created these desires, these feelings, these dreams...these waves. It took me a while to learn that I needed to wait until dawn to see these dreams come true. Now I’m learning how to balance my attention toward the wind and the waves. I’m learning how to have more of a passion for the Dreamer than the dream. Gosh. and I’m learning how to let the Wind kiss my cheek… the Wind that creates the waves, the Wind that sometimes remains silent, the Wind that has His OWN course of direction… and not mine…

Skinny Dipping anyone?

Yes... It's past due to write again. and hey, I'm on a role, I didnt have to be told to write in my blog again! But this time, I'm typing with long, beautiful acrylic french manicured nails, only $25 at Unique Nails lol. It's quite frustrating, but quite beautiful as well.

Life has treated me well. no. life has treated me like crap. lol. But God has treated me well. man... just the sound of that Name...

let's catch up... lemme see... Summer Camp... uh-MAZING!! It scares me how much I speak life and death into my destiny. who KNOWS what would have happened if I hadn't said that I'd probably be the center of the teenage romance drama at this year's camp. might have not happened! lol. But aside from that, and in spite of that... I was also very much a part of God's complete freak-me-out individual make-over story. man... I can hear the amazing sound of the flamingo chimes Mara got me for my birthday. I turned 17 at camp... awesome. I got money, jewelry, and two songs written inspired by me lol. oh, and also a surprise birthday party, which was way kool. It was amazing to be able to be on the beach the day I turned 17. It was also one of very many nights God clutched my heart. and my heart still hurts...

You do not know how difficult it is being seventeen... I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It's the most frustrating, adventurous, amazing, scary thing anyone could ever experience. I mean, discovering things inside of you that like 50 million people warn you about when you're at the brink of adulthood, feelings of independence and even a little rebellion sometimes. My away message on IM is "can a homeschooler have senior-itis?" Every senior seems to want to CONQUER THE WORLD! And that is sooooooooo on the top of my list of goals to reach lol. speaking of which, I've started making my "One Hundred Senior Year Goals List"... I've made 54 since last night. stupid things like pee in a lake and eat a cat, strange things like getting a second earring hole and having dreadlocks for a month, obvious things like graduating from highschool (duh) and getting a class ring, and serious things like going on my first missions trip and witnessing to 100 people. man. one hundred must be the number this year. 100 letters to write. 100 dollars to take a back-to-school girl shopping next fall. 100 people to lead to Christ. It's been so weird making this list, guys... God's so rocking my world, starting with this list. last night, I got into an intense "discussion" about certain strange goals I want to accomplish that he considers... "outrageous"...says I'd be doing them for the wrong reasons. I got off the computer, fuming with anger, finding myself say "i'll do it. i'll do it just to prove to him that i did!" and then I was like "oh yea, then I'll DEFINITELY be doing it for wrong reasons..." wearing anklets, having haltar tops, getting a tattoo... going to college, getting married... eating MEAT for goodness sakes! I'm not saying I want to get a tattoo that'll scar me forever lol. I'm just saying... finding the right reasons to do certain things... not because my parents want me to, not because i wanna please someone, not just to prove to someone... not to do it to be rebellious... it's baffled me and my complicated mind. why did I get my nails professionally done?... I didnt do it because God said so... I did it because I wanted to... for me. is that wrong? boy, do I sound like a teenager.

Romans talks a lot about doing things with conviction. like eating meat. Jews did not eat certain meat, like pork, because of the Mosaic Law and the Old Testament Covenant. But Gentiles in the New Testament discovered that they were released from the "old code" (7:6). But Jewish Christians still were too "weak in their faith" (14:1) to do certain things God had given every Christian liberty to do. Romans 14:5- "one person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind." and verse 23 writes "But he who doubts is condemned if he eats [meat], because he does not eat from faith: for whatever is not from faith is sin." This portion of Scripture frustrated me for years, because it talked a lot about the gray areas of life. Things the Bible did not give word-for-word exact instruction about… things highly educated scholars discuss and argue over… things every single one of us has to end up deciding on our own on whether or not to do… like eating meat.

The Bible says to not murder. The Bible says to speak the truth in love. The Bible says to “praise Him with… instruments” Psalms 150:4 (surprising I know!). But the Bible doesn’t say whether or not one should skinny dip, now does it? That’s where Romans 14 comes in… it’s finding your own conviction concerning weird things like this. You could back it up with scripture by saying that God calls us to be modest, and you can definitely say that you are not to let your brother stumble by being NAKED (so I suggest dipping by yourself). But it also says that Adam and Eve were born naked, and that David danced with indignity and NAKED. You purpose in your heart, and convict it with your decisions. And then you back up your conviction… with Scripture. It’s so confusing… and it angers me even now because people use this portion to justify sins they’ve committed. And it hurts that they have such an isolated point of view concerning Scripture portion (lol so got that line from Kari Romero.) So when it comes to yourself… your convictions… your decisions about life… your formed morals… (boy am I preaching to myself right now)…. Prayer would do a lotta help…

That’s one thing I’ve had such a hard time about this summer. Making decisions with conviction. If I ever went skinny dipping, I don’t want to do it doubting whether or not God approves, cuz then I’d DEFINITELY be doing it in sin (reiterate Romans 14:23) I’ve always been a very skilled people pleaser… I wear black because Josh likes me in black, I put pig tails in my hair because Dad loves pigtails… I raise my hands in worship because the worship leader raises his hands. I’m not saying you can’t bless people by making your mom a cake, or wearing your boyfriend’s favorite shirt. But… I hate wearing black! lol. And whenever I did it, I had him in mind. I curled my hair at the Sunset Dinner because Josh likes curly hair. I wore flats because if I didn’t, Josh would be shorter than me lol. But then there was my outfit… my gorgeous, OUTRAGEOUS, unique outfit… I was so scared to wear the cowboy hat and the twirly knitted skirt and the maternity looking top, afraid that people wouldn’t like it. (and yea, people did comment on the cowboy hat lol). But Lindsey and Rochelle prodded me. “LiAnne… do you like this outfit?” I was like “I LOVE IT!” They yelled, “Then get it!” I loved that outfit… it was so hot and so weird. And I got it for me. When’s the last time I’ve done that?

I’m finding out who I am, what I believe, and why I believe it. Krystal, a pretty amazing college girl Brooklyn brought up last weekend, talked about this with me. She was like, “There just comes a time when you’re gonna have to find your own beliefs… your own morals. Figuring out why you believe what you believe is a part of growing up… even if you come to the same conclusion you had before you started lol.” I wanna believe what I believe not because my parents believe it. But because God put that conviction in my heart and I have Scripture and knowledge (well… at least wisdom) to back up my beliefs. Man… am I explaining this without sounding like a rebellious retard?

I think that… I AM partially going through a rebellious state… and part of all of today’s documentation is just trying to get it all out on the table and sorting it through… I’m so scared that I’ll blow up and do a 180 on my whole outlook and belief in life. Lol some people have warned me that “because I’m too shelthered” I will explode when I turn 18 and turn away from everything that was ever taught me. And that is a very big possibility… if the teachings impressed into my heart were written in pencil. I want them to be written in stone… really engraved deeply into my life with a Pen only God can employ. I want Him to press into my life His written out how-to-live-LiAnne’s-life plan… which is gonna be pretty scary.
Hmm… maybe that should be on my list of 100 things to accomplish before college.

lianne will write more in due time. This is only one of many waves that have rocked my boat this summer.

LiAnne